Woman often complain that men aren't humiliated, tortured and insulted by high fashion designers and fashion mags the way that female fashion consumers are on a routine basis. I get what they're saying, but it's not nearly as one-sided as they assume.
For example, I give you Fantastic Man, Issue No. 9, Spring and Summer 2009:
Okay, so a cover with Bret Easton Ellis may not be the smoking gun that I was promising, but please . . . it's Bret f**king Easton fracking Ellis. Less Than Zero American Psycho Easton Ellis. This can only mean one thing - it's retro 80's hour! And as I recall, the 80's were not kind to men the first time around. I can't imagine it's going to get any better in the rehash.
Oh, Miuccia Prada. Your continued insistence that boys are really girls, just in uglier clothing, does not entice the credit cards out of my wallet. Admittedly, I do own a few of your stretch-cotton dress shirts because they're amazingly comfortable and are available in rich, luscious colors . . . but, more importantly, they don't look like they were designed for my fifteen year old niece.
Plaids, checks, stripes -- it's a veritable smorgasbord of over-the-topness for your average Queen Bee executive. Plus lip gloss! Methinks someone is missing all the attention he once got before he huffily stomped out on Gucci.
STD walking. 'Nuff said.
Because it's always been my fantasy to travel back in time . . . and raid Gary Numan's closet.
Apparently, hats are big. So is pulling out the Tom of Finland Halloween costume and wearing it to work. In April. What, you don't think it's office friendly?
Infantilization in 3, 2, 1 . . . Girls want boys that look like a Harlequin Romance Novel cover, not like a skinny Harlequin clown. Excuse me, sir? Your Grace Jones is showing. It never fails. Whenever a designer gets a giant bug up his a** about being all cutting edge and fashion forward, skirts for men start materializing. The trend never succeeds. Ever. Yet here we are. It's 2009 and voila! Skirts for men. Look, let me just break it down for all the designers and fashion editors that don't seem to get it - skirts look great on most women, they flow with their curves and accentuate their natural proportions in a way that's aesthetically pleasing both coming and going. Now, take a look at the skirt on the man in the photo above, and the skirts on the men in the photo below: They're boxy and unflattering. The first man above actually has a rockin' physique (look at those legs), but you'd never know it from the flat, undefined shape of that fabric mess smashed around his waist. And what's with the weird need to "balance" out the femininity of a skirt with some clunky shoes and dark ankle socks -- a skirt is NOT a kilt, so why accessorize it like it's one? If fashion editors are aware that skirts for men are too feminine and/or ridiculous to catch on without the help of a set of combat boots or big chunky shoes, then they should just stop trying to push skirts at the male consumer, period. Men's trousers are very comfortable, you know. Why do you think women battled for years to get into them? I mean . . . uh . . . oh, never mind.
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LMAO. Of course, I had to live through the '80's, too...and with guy friends who were tortured by it. (I have particular memories of a pair of yellow leather shorts, running style, working it hard for a night at the club...*his* shorts.)
You're dead on about the Grace Jones dude. But, to be fair, rare is the guy who has a masculation chance against Grace.
(Incidentally, I like how you got the picture links to pop up, instead of switching away in the open window.)
((Which brings me to a comment I was going to make about combat boot dude...and his missing hands...and an alternative to emasculation [this time in the surgical sense]...))
(((Is there such a thing as hyperparenthetical? Metaparenthetical? I'm sure Bret Easton Ellis has a thought on that...)))
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The 80's had its good moments, but I mostly remember too many zippers, eye stabbing color combinations and emasculation. The only safe place to be was in a suit . . . without loud pinstripes and huge padded shoulders, hopefully.
The man in the skirt and combat boots, and missing hands, is Marc Jacobs, with his boyfriend (supposedly husband to be). Jacobs has been running around in a skirt for the last six months and he has so much clout in the fashion world that no one has the balls to tell him to stop it. Not even his boyfriend. Instead, everyone's kind of taken this tack of: "Oh, uh, it's great! You look fantastic! In fact, I'm going to start offering skirts for men for my own line!"
Whatever.
And footnotes! I recommend footnotes. Much less messy than hyper-parenthetical cross-referencing. Marin is a whiz at footnotes. Kneel before her footnote glory and tremble!
Hee hee hee hee hee......... You are spot on, Nathan, with every one of these, although I'm surprised that you didn't suggest a career in the Village People for the hat guy. :-)
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Well, you know, it's not like he couldn't hold two jobs. When times are tough, you gotta work extra hard for all that leather.
Is that not Jake Spears in the Harlequin getup?
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Ok, I had to Google "Jake Spears" -- and then I burst out laughing.
Holy Cow! Marin, I bow before your footnotegoddessness. This from a former grad student, mind you...
Of course, Bret can't do footnotes. He can't handle footnotes.
Ah, so that is Marc Jacobs. I leave the handless joke to you.
(But I still like punctuating. [At times.] [Because before there were hyperstacks and hyperlinks, there were parenthesis and two kinds of brackets. {Must have been a reason for that.}])
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Yes, Marin's footnotedness is often remarked upon in hushed tones over cups of tea in the drawing rooms of the world's best and brightest.
You know, I sometimes use the two different kinds of brackets, along with parenthesis, but never really gave proper consideration as to how useful those brackets were before the dawning of the Age of the Hyperlink.
Thank god for hyperlinks.
ROTFL, you mean that's not Grace Jones?
I have always thought that the men's fashion spreads are much, much worse than the womens' in terms of ridiculousness. And I hadn't even seen the skirts yet!
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You're so right. Fashion spreads for women can sometimes veer into plum crazy, but most of the time they're simply attempting to set a mood or strike an emotional tone to draw a consumer in.
These male fashion spreads, however . . . god only knows.
Dear designers for men:
A-line skirts *ostensibly* look good on everyone. Give it a try.
I'll wait here.
XOXO
M
p.s. -- Bret Easton Ellis is the best thing about this issue (remember the Malcolm McLaren bit? Good times, good times) and I'm thinking he wore his own sweater.
Hilarious Nathan!
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Marin -- please don't feed the bad designers.
And you've followed up your Klaus Nomi reference with a poke in the Malcom McLaren. Somebody needs to keep an eye on you.
Lisa -- don't forget "sad" . . . it's hilarious AND sad. I'm laughing through my tears.
HA! This is the most hysterical post! I love it. The men in skirts really got me. There are a couple of characters in the hills near where I live who continue to rock the man-skirt, and not well, I might add. Seeing nice looking guys wearing them hasn't changed my opinion one bit. Men in non-kilt skirts just look silly. Even with flip flops.
Thanks for the laughs :D
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I lived in Seattle for about eight years, and there was a small group of gay leather-bar men who insisted on "rocking" the kilt. They still looked absurd, especially when they stomped around in their kilt and combat boots, glowering at everybody, but at least it really was a kilt.
I have seen a parade of Scotsmen in kilts in downtown La Jolla that caused traffic accidents.. now that was sexy. As for that string of ads... you have my sympathy. Men's fashion is so pitiful, I feel sorry for y'all sometimes. There are good moments... but these aren't any of them!
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The pity is understandable, and accepted. ;)
This was the laugh I needed today! Now I recall why I stopped taking GQ seriously in '91.
Seriously, the dumb things menswear designers will do just boggles the imagination. I think we'll be seeing the convertible suit again soon, with hidden zippers to shorten the pants legs and jacket sleeves. (yes, again.)
I note with minor glee that Thom Browne was nowhere to be found. I hate his Pee-Wee Herman suits with the high-water trousers and sockless ankles. Tom Ford I can deal with (except those patterns that cause uncontrollable eye-crossing), but TB's "fit" is a scourge upon the earth.
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I despise what Thom Browne has done to menswear with his "shrunken" look. Talk about infantilization.
Both he and Hedi Slimane ruined high-fashioned menswear for men who aren't gay, rail thin, or both. Suddenly, LVMH and PPR realized that they could still charge enormous amounts of money for designer clothing while cutting back on the amount of fabric actually used to make the clothing -- it was a win-win for them. All they needed were a few well-placed articles in fashion magazines (not to mention well wined and dined fashion editors) proclaiming these shrunken, skinny designs to be "genius" and the damage was done.
I almost cried with relief when I saw Bottega Veneta's Men's Fall '08 line with its roomy trousers and generously cut jackets. I'm crossing my fingers that it sold well enough to have an impact on the rest of men's fashion.
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